People write in descriptions, visuals.  That's not the truth though.  Thinking about lives, thinking about your own life, the thoughts don't come in green grass and white fences, but rather in nights that were so dark that you could feel the black inside your thoughts.  One doesn't see the photograhic qualities of perfection, but rather feels the color and emotions of the days.  That's how we see the world

The song you hear on a radio that takes you back, you don't see the beauty of the moment; you feel the dirtiness of the moment.  A smell doesn't remind you of the day you know, it lets you feel that raw emotion of reality.  And reality isn't what we see in books and movies. Reality is poor and scary and rough.  The truth we project is a lie.  That truth is clean and clear-cut.  It tells others that we know what is happening, that we are in control and in complete understanding of our lives.  That's a total and complete lie.  Even if you think it's not, you're wrong.

i often wonder what would be different if Bukowski or Carver had a blog, what would have changed if their words had gotten lost in cyberspace instead of in napkins and scraps of paper.  i also wonder what would be different if some of the great minds had been denied the ability to smoke a complementary cigarette in the bars in which they drank
that leaves me in a strange situation; strange to the great history of brilliant yet underrated minds.  my world comes in a new world.  no booze and smokes--my chains of thoughts cannot come in smoke filled barrooms, well not since i was younger.  and my words are no longer scribbled on little white squares; not in a world in which my sole source of information and connection comes on a 15 inch screen.
so....here we go.


i quit law school about 2 weeks ago.  not a top 20 school, but one that is surely on the rise.  i got the full scholarship.  i am a phi beta kappa, a philosophy major who is, as my mother puts it, "too smart for her own good."  so, maybe law school was the place i was supposed to be, but at 34 years old, i am no longer subject to the bullshit expectations of a society that doesn't embrace those of us who choose....alternative paths.
law school, perhaps the whole idea of law as i see it, is the antithesis of everything i imagine a society to be.  i respect our gov't.  as one of my law professors put it, our constitution is the best of the worst.  but it's the people and the methods that are broken.  i'm pretty sure that it was the day that my 'ethics' professor told us that his wife wanted to make 40K helping people part time, that i knew i was in the wrong place.  it's about money.  there is some justice, and a few who are there for righteous purposes, but mostly it's about the money.

Maybe i shouldn't have dated that guy with money.  i remember the day he told me he was worth a million dollars (all assets included).  i also remember how his best friend told me how he wondered why i would need a college education, since he and his money should've been more than enough for me.

so, today i had an interview for a job that would bring me back into the only thing that i've really loved doing (for better or worse), the restaurant industry.  the guy interviewing me asked me, among other random questions, what drink i would be if i were a beverage.  i would be a dirty martini.  why?  because it's a little bit of class, offset by just a touch of difference.  there are only a few of us who can take the good stuff with a little bit of vinegar.

so pop an olive and wash it down with a bit of filthy vodka.  and find a bar in the middle of nowhere that lets you smoke along with that deliciousness.